You Don’t Have to Be Grateful You Survived

“Every time someone says, ‘at least you’re healthy,’ a trauma survivor learns to stay silent.”

Let’s talk about that phrase for a second…
“At least you’re healthy.”
“At least the baby’s fine.”
“Everything worked out, right?”

People mean well when they say it. They really do. But when you’ve been through something traumatic, those words can sting more than they soothe.

Because what you hear isn’t comfort, it’s dismissal. It’s someone saying, your pain doesn’t matter as much as your survival.

You know that moment when you finally open up about what happened during your birth? The fear, the confusion, the loss of control. Then someone immediately hits you with, “well, at least everyone’s okay”?

It shuts everything down. Suddenly you feel guilty for even bringing it up.
You start second-guessing yourself:
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Maybe I should just be thankful.
Other people have it worse.

But let me tell you…trauma doesn’t work that way. Surviving something doesn’t erase how it made you feel.

You can be deeply grateful your baby is here and still be grieving the way you were treated. You can love your child and still have flashbacks. Those feelings can coexist, and none of it makes you ungrateful.

When someone tells you to “look on the bright side,” they’re usually uncomfortable with pain they can’t fix. It’s easier to focus on survival than to sit in the truth that something went wrong. That your trust was broken, or your body wasn’t respected, or your birth didn’t feel like yours.

But dismissing trauma doesn’t make it go away. In fact, research shows it can make things worse. People who experience invalidation after birth trauma are more likely to develop postpartum anxiety or PTSD. Because when you can’t talk about what happened, you can’t process it and what you can’t process gets stuck.

What You Actually Need

• Someone who says, “That sounds really hard. Do you want to tell me more?”

• A provider who’s willing to explain what happened instead of brushing it off.

• A therapist or doula who understands birth trauma and knows how to hold space for it.

• Community!!! People who remind you that you’re not broken or dramatic for struggling.

You deserve that kind of support.

You’re Allowed to Tell the Whole Story

I’ve talked with so many parents who lower their voices when they describe their birth, like they’re confessing something shameful. They start with, “I know I should just be grateful…”

No. You don’t “just” have to be anything.

You can be grateful and angry.
You can be proud and heartbroken.
You may be healing years later and that’s completely valid.

You survived—that’s true. But you also deserve to recover.

So the next time someone tells you to “just be thankful,” I hope you remember this:
Gratitude doesn’t erase pain.
Healing doesn’t require pretending.
And you never have to apologize for wanting to feel whole again.

Skylar (they/them) is a Birth Doula and the heart behind Your Lifeline Doula. As a queer, neurodivergent, and BIPOC birthworker, they hold space for healing, joy, and radical love at every stage of the parenting journey. They specialize in creating safe, affirming care for LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC families—because everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and deeply held. When Skylar isn’t supporting families, you’ll find them ice skating, raising their spirited kiddo, or dreaming up new ways to build and nurture the community.