Chosen Family Is Real Family: Creating Support Systems That Actually Hold You
Hey loves,
Let’s talk about something real. Something raw.
If you are a queer, trans, and/or BIPOC parent (or planning to become one), you already know this road does not come with a map. Especially when it comes to support.
For so many of us, the phrase “it takes a village” hits a bit different. What if your village isn’t safe? What if you’re out here breaking generational curses, and no one gets it? The spaces that hold us fully? We may have to build those from scratch. That’s where chosen family often comes in.
Not the backup plan. Not the stand-in. The real thing.
Let’s start from the top. From the very beginning, our path into parenthood often starts off “non-traditional” (whatever that means…). Maybe you’re using a donor, planning a surrogacy journey, or co-parenting in a way that raises eyebrows. Maybe you’re a queer couple navigating fertility appointments where you have to keep coming out to every nurse, every receptionist, every provider. And through it all, your “village” is nowhere to be found. Now imagine your best friend that comes to every ultrasound. Your Doula that validates your identity without question. Your partner, friend group, community center that makes you feel seen. THAT is your family.
Pregnancy is supposed to be full of celebration, but for some of us, there is loads of painfully loud silence. The family group chat doesn’t blow up with congratulations. The baby shower is small because people chose not to come or you didn’t even try to invite them. Still, even in this you deserve joy. Chosen family helps you reclaim what is rightfully yours. They throw baby showers full of your culture, your queerness, your joy. They help you find affirming care. They hold space while you cry after an appointment where you felt erased. They remind you that you ARE NOT alone!
Then baby’s birthday rolls around. Birth is raw, sacred, and deeply vulnerable. You deserve to feel completely supported and respected. That means no room is made for people making weird comments on your pronouns or side-eyeing your birth preferences. Your birth team should affirm EVERY part of who you are- your gender, your body, your culture, your voice. This might be your Doula, partner, queer elder, or your ride-or-die bestie who brings snacks and speaks life over you and your family. You don’t need your birth space filled with people who make you shrink. You need people who help you rise.
And then postpartum hits. That emotional whiplash nobody prepared you for. Society wants you to bounce back like nothing happened. But you’re leaking, crying, trying to keep a tiny human alive while remembering to feed or bathe yourself (truthfully, just pick one). This is where chosen family can be everything. They wash your dishes, organize a meal train where everyone takes turns bringing a dish, watch over baby while you shower for the first time in days. They don’t judge the mess. They help you hold it all.
As baby grows, your village does too. You crave community that represents the family you are building. Your kid(s) deserve to see love in all forms - two moms, a trans dad, Afro-Latina aunties, the poly parenting squad. All of it. Because chosen family is not just for you. It’s for them too.
The people you share blood with couldn’t or wouldn’t show up. That pain is real. I’m not gonna pretend it doesn’t hurt. But there is power in knowing you get to choose who stands beside you now. You get to curate love. Build that sacred circle. Call in the folks who lift you, see you, who stay.
So. If you are reading this and feeling tired, lonely, or wondering if you’re “doing it right” - let me say it loud.
YOU ARE
You are doing it beautifully and I am proud of you.
In radical love,
Skylar
Your Lifeline Doula
Skylar (they/them) is a Full Spectrum Doula and the heart behind Your Lifeline Doula. As a queer, neurodivergent, and BIPOC birthworker, they hold space for healing, joy, and radical love at every stage of the parenting journey. They specialize in creating safe, affirming care for LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC families—because everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and deeply held. When Skylar isn’t supporting families, you’ll find them ice skating, raising their spirited kiddo, or dreaming up new ways to build and nuture the community.
